It’s been a while…

I haven’t posted anything in a long while. I know I say a lot that it is because there is a lot of things going on but that isn’t all of it. Just been dealing with personal issues and I thought it best to not really be writing a lot of IFB issues. Fact is I haven’t even written in a long time time. It has been extremely difficult for me to write for some reason. I have been going through a fight with depression and anxiety as of late and maybe that is why. I really don’t feel like doing much, but I am still here. Even if I am silent. Just needed a break, but now my counselor has pushed me to try to write things out again and express myself that way. Cause to be honest lately I have been doing so many things for so many people that I have lost all sense of myself. So I am taking her up on that. Not to say that I will post regular but maybe more than I have been.

Coming Out

Most of last semester and this past summer I have struggled very deeply. Mostly with my sexual orientation. Not just with that though, but also with knowing it was becoming increasingly difficult for me to hide who I am. Meaning I was no longer wanting to hide it.

I am bisexual. While I am attracted to both sexes, I find I am more attracted to women and prefer to be with a woman. However, I am open minded and know that love can be found in anyone. And it really isn’t something that is planned out.

That being said. Here is where the struggle came into play. At the time when I started to open up to my orientation, I was with a man. It became evident after some time that I wasn’t as into him as I was this girl we were friends with. So I called it quits. Said I needed time and backed out of it. It was hard. Here was a man that I thought I loved and planned on being with for a long time, and then she came along and I questioned everything. I will save you only all the icky details and just say that I also found I wasn’t as sexually interested in my boyfriend. Meaning it wasn’t happening. And when it did, I was not enjoying it that much. Long story short, I was scared. Like really scared.

I lied to myself for so long. I tried to make myself like men better. I put myself through hell to try and like men better. Just didn’t work. It was okay but not as good. I also found if I do find a man attractive, he has to really embrace the feminine side of himself. Which I know one man in my life that is like that, and he is gay.

So, I spent the better part of this year sorting through all my feelings about it. Also just trying to come to terms with it. It was, as I said, scary. I spent many years burying this part of me while I lived in the cult. And it was very hard to me to open up to it.

While it was hard though, it was becoming more and more of an issue for me to hide it. A few of my trusted friends knew, as did the counselors I was going to, but other people were starting to question it.

Part of my counseling activities was that I had to do exercises to learn how to open myself up more. We were trying to get to the bottom of who I was as an individual and what I wanted out of life. One of the exercises was doing this scale of 1 to 5 on sexuality. One being straight and 5 being gay. When we worked on it, I found out that I fall on a 4. It kinda shocked me, but I kinda knew. If that makes sense. After that we talked about being open and honest in front of others because how was I supposed to be who I was yet hide who I was? Or am. So little by little I told safe people secrets about myself. Some things they were like, “Yea I know. And?”And I also found out that for the most part people were supportive.

Well, my grandmom was the first in my family to know. She was one of those that put pieces together and she asked me. It didn’t go over well, and she doesn’t like it. However she assured me that she’d not stop loving me and she thought anyone who did because of this was wrong. For the most part she is supportive even. Just doesn’t want to see me make out with a girl. haha Yea, I wouldn’t make out with anyone in front of any member of my family. So no issue.

I went to visit my dad shortly after that. He is very homophobic and is still involved in the whole IFB cult. As always when I went up there, they were putting down homosexual people. It was difficult for me to sit there and listen to it. In fact, it was all I could do to not cry, but also to keep my mouth shut. A month later I came out.

Just a little FYI don’t do it in a letter if you are impatient. I am and I did it in a letter. Still haven’t heard back. And it sucks. So yea, don’t do that if you can’t handle the wait.

One thing I found though is that I am happier. I am not as stressed out all the time. I am not crying every time someone says something homophobic. Instead I am standing up for myself and am giving myself a voice. It is freeing. I am happy that I came out. Not ever going to regret it. I know it will be hard at first. I know that when I hear from my dad, it won’t be good. However, I am happy to finally embrace a part of me that I feared for so many years.

I wanted to post this for the Bisexual day. Yes, I know I am one day late, but I was busy yesterday with homework. So that is a good excuse in my opinion. Anyways. What I am learning is to be happy and love myself and it is wonderful to finally say I’m not ashamed of my orientation. 🙂

A Little Advice

Things have been kinda ehh lately. Up and down. Lots of things happening as far as life choices go and all that good stuff. So I have been under a lot of pressure. From every side. One thing that I forget a lot and need to remember more is to live my life to make me happy.

I get so wrapped up in what people want and expect that it gets tiring. And eventually, like today, I hit a wall and flip out. I reach that point where I am on the edge and the littlest things tip me over the edge. And no one in my life seems to get it that some times I need time to myself to clear my head and get all the negativity out. They just don’t get it

So I am saying this because I know I am not the only one out there like this. We all hit a point where there is too much going on and we need to step back and take care of ourselves. So do that. Just take a step back and take that time. And don’t let anyone tell you that you are wrong for saying that you need that time.

Hello! I finished classes last week! Yay! So it is good to finally have some free time.

So, recently I was on Facebook and saw that a female relative of mine was sent home for what she was wearing. I was talking about it with someone else, mentioning that I thought it was ridiculous. Since when is a teenager not allowed to wear torn jeans?! She agreed and said that the same thing happened to someone she knew. I also started to see online that the same thing had happened to other girls. I knew things like that happened in the IFB, but seriously outside of it to??? There is so much that is wrong with this treatment of girls and women.

“Cover up so you don’t lead men astray.” “Change that outfit it isn’t modest.” “You are asking for it, wearing that.” I am sure that many of us have hear those words before. There are so many ways to tell women to hide their bodies and all of them are wrong! Instead of telling little girls to cover up, maybe parents should teach their sons to control themselves! Women and their clothes are not the problem, men and disgusting minds put together are the problem! Girls should be able to walk down the street wearing whatever they want to and not have to worry about being assaulted. Our clothes are not the problem!

Telling little girls to cover up teaches them that they should hate their bodies and be humiliated by them. I have a few people that I am friends with on Facebook that are still in the cult. One of the mothers posted a picture of hear daughter wearing a really loose fitting dress. She wrote that she was happy to find a modest swimsuit for her daughter. Her daughter is no older that 4. Why?! I can only imagine the self image issues the poor child will have in the future. As a kid, my parents were constantly telling me to cover up. I literally hated myself for it. I hated that I was a girl most of all. I was so humiliated by it. Even though now I am glad to be a woman, I still struggle with hating my body. I was told as a young girl that I was curvy (which I am) and that I had to be extra careful with what I wore. I was told on multiple occasions to change my clothes. Once at a job I held at a Christian preschool and the principle came into the classroom and told me in front of the children that I needed to change and handed me a big oversized shirt. I took it, smiled  but when I got to the bathroom I cried. (That was before I actually started to stand up for myself.) The whole experience was extremely humiliating and taught me to hate my body only more then what I already did.

So instead of telling girls how to dress and that they should look and act a certain way, why not teach men how to treat women with respect? Boys should be taught that women are not theirs to be had. They should be taught to leave us alone while we are walking down the street. They should be told that yelling out “Hey sexy” or “nice ass” isn’t acceptable. Instead they should be taught how to respect women. They should be told that being called beautiful goes a lot further than someone saying we have a nice rack. They should be taught to use self control. We are all humans and have sexual urges, but like any other urges and desires there is a time and a place for them. It is never to be forced and it is never to be yelled out at a women in the mall. If parents raised their sons right, this wouldn’t be an issue.

All that having been said, I do realize that not all men are like this. There are many good men out there who respect women. There are men who believe that women should be allowed to wear whatever and do whatever and not be humiliated. To those men I say Thank you!!

Stop telling little girls that they need to cover up and instead of sending them home from school and humiliating them, tell them that they are perfect, beautiful, and they don’t have to cover up!

 

 

Hello!

It has been quite a long time since I have been on here. School, work, and life in general has been keeping me busy and going crazy. I am taking a summer course in Math and that takes up most, if not all, of my free time. I still make time for counseling and therapy sessions, which are going great. Family issues are still going on, but that is typical of most so I have just decided to embrace the crazy. Just wanted to let everyone know that I am still here, just have been busy. Hopefully soon I can actually get time to post something good. Bye for now.

Forgiving is a choice

One of the huge misconceptions that I had after leaving my home in the cult was that I had to forgive the wrong that was done. I tried this. Honestly, I did. No matter how hard I tried to forgive though, part of me couldn’t go there. For me, saying I forgave someone was saying that I was okay with what they had put me through. And I was not okay with it. Nor will I ever be. 

I do not consider myself to be a bitter person out for any type of revenge. My friends would tell you the same. I am not that type of person. However, there are just some things that I refuse to “get over.” 

When I was bullied at school, I was told to forgive them. When I was molested and raped, I was told to forgive that too. When my mom was killed in a motorcycle accident, I was told to forgive the man that killed her. Outwardly I did forgive all those things. I told those people who had taken away my rights or had abused me in life that I forgave them. Actually one of the first things that I did after leaving the cult was write a letter to my dad saying I forgave him for mistreating me. Deep down, I hadn’t and still have yet to fully forgive. 

Deep inside I fought a battle that no one saw. I began to think that I didn’t matter and that led to self hatred. The more I forgave the more I hurt. It was as if I was giving those people who had wronged me permission to do so again and I hated myself for that. I wish that I could have stepped up and said ” No I won’t forgive that.” I lost all sense of my rights. In fact, I didn’t even really know that I had them anymore. I was told that the way people treated me was completely normal and I had to forgive them or god would be disappointed. In the end, my rights belonged to some god that didn’t give a fuck about me. 

So, no. I have have not really forgiven what those people did and that is okay. I don’t think there is anything wrong with not forgiving someone who has taken away your rights or has done harm to you. Forgiveness is a choice not a requirement. It doesn’t heal the wounds. It doesn’t make things right. The problem is still there. At the end of the day, you are the one that has to live with what that other person did to you, so it is your choice what to do with that. If forgiveness works for you then do that. If it doesn’t help and you don’t want to forgive, then don’t do it. What is important is you and that you heal in a way that works for you. 

 

 

Don’t tell me how to feel!

So, lately I have been dealing with family issues. I’m finding out about a lot of secrets that were kept in our family and, to be honest, it is a fight just to keep from drowning in all of it. There are people, who mean the best and think that they are helping, that have been trying to tell me what to think and feel about it. Lately, I feel like I am reliving a part of being in the cult. 

I was in counseling the other day, and the counselor asked me why I wouldn’t show or tell her how I really felt about all the IFB shit. (Excuse the language but it is, what it is.) She then pointed out that I avoid saying how I feel about things. It is true. I do. I am constantly being told by people how to feel about things and how to react to it. Every time I ever showed how I really felt, I have been told that I was wrong. Yesterday I was told that I was feeling sorry for myself and that I needed to stop it. Well, I wasn’t. What I was feeling was pure frustration at a lot of different things. 

The point is, no one really knows how I feel except for myself and I am sick of people trying to tell me how to deal with my emotions! Until someone has been in the same exact situation as me and has lived in my skin, they have no right to tell me how to deal with things that happen. 

Also since when is it a bad thing to cry? I am always being told by people to not cry. (Except for my grandmother, who always tells me the opposite.) This started when I was in the IFB with my mother dying. Isn’t crying supposed to be a good thing? Doesn’t it show that there is at least some feelings going on in there? Anytime when I start to cry, I am told that it is self pity. Seriously?! 

Anyways, I was feeling frustrated about this so I thought I would write it down. I always feel better to get all the feelings out.