Most of last semester and this past summer I have struggled very deeply. Mostly with my sexual orientation. Not just with that though, but also with knowing it was becoming increasingly difficult for me to hide who I am. Meaning I was no longer wanting to hide it.
I am bisexual. While I am attracted to both sexes, I find I am more attracted to women and prefer to be with a woman. However, I am open minded and know that love can be found in anyone. And it really isn’t something that is planned out.
That being said. Here is where the struggle came into play. At the time when I started to open up to my orientation, I was with a man. It became evident after some time that I wasn’t as into him as I was this girl we were friends with. So I called it quits. Said I needed time and backed out of it. It was hard. Here was a man that I thought I loved and planned on being with for a long time, and then she came along and I questioned everything. I will save you only all the icky details and just say that I also found I wasn’t as sexually interested in my boyfriend. Meaning it wasn’t happening. And when it did, I was not enjoying it that much. Long story short, I was scared. Like really scared.
I lied to myself for so long. I tried to make myself like men better. I put myself through hell to try and like men better. Just didn’t work. It was okay but not as good. I also found if I do find a man attractive, he has to really embrace the feminine side of himself. Which I know one man in my life that is like that, and he is gay.
So, I spent the better part of this year sorting through all my feelings about it. Also just trying to come to terms with it. It was, as I said, scary. I spent many years burying this part of me while I lived in the cult. And it was very hard to me to open up to it.
While it was hard though, it was becoming more and more of an issue for me to hide it. A few of my trusted friends knew, as did the counselors I was going to, but other people were starting to question it.
Part of my counseling activities was that I had to do exercises to learn how to open myself up more. We were trying to get to the bottom of who I was as an individual and what I wanted out of life. One of the exercises was doing this scale of 1 to 5 on sexuality. One being straight and 5 being gay. When we worked on it, I found out that I fall on a 4. It kinda shocked me, but I kinda knew. If that makes sense. After that we talked about being open and honest in front of others because how was I supposed to be who I was yet hide who I was? Or am. So little by little I told safe people secrets about myself. Some things they were like, “Yea I know. And?”And I also found out that for the most part people were supportive.
Well, my grandmom was the first in my family to know. She was one of those that put pieces together and she asked me. It didn’t go over well, and she doesn’t like it. However she assured me that she’d not stop loving me and she thought anyone who did because of this was wrong. For the most part she is supportive even. Just doesn’t want to see me make out with a girl. haha Yea, I wouldn’t make out with anyone in front of any member of my family. So no issue.
I went to visit my dad shortly after that. He is very homophobic and is still involved in the whole IFB cult. As always when I went up there, they were putting down homosexual people. It was difficult for me to sit there and listen to it. In fact, it was all I could do to not cry, but also to keep my mouth shut. A month later I came out.
Just a little FYI don’t do it in a letter if you are impatient. I am and I did it in a letter. Still haven’t heard back. And it sucks. So yea, don’t do that if you can’t handle the wait.
One thing I found though is that I am happier. I am not as stressed out all the time. I am not crying every time someone says something homophobic. Instead I am standing up for myself and am giving myself a voice. It is freeing. I am happy that I came out. Not ever going to regret it. I know it will be hard at first. I know that when I hear from my dad, it won’t be good. However, I am happy to finally embrace a part of me that I feared for so many years.
I wanted to post this for the Bisexual day. Yes, I know I am one day late, but I was busy yesterday with homework. So that is a good excuse in my opinion. Anyways. What I am learning is to be happy and love myself and it is wonderful to finally say I’m not ashamed of my orientation. 🙂