So, lately I have been dealing with family issues. I’m finding out about a lot of secrets that were kept in our family and, to be honest, it is a fight just to keep from drowning in all of it. There are people, who mean the best and think that they are helping, that have been trying to tell me what to think and feel about it. Lately, I feel like I am reliving a part of being in the cult.
I was in counseling the other day, and the counselor asked me why I wouldn’t show or tell her how I really felt about all the IFB shit. (Excuse the language but it is, what it is.) She then pointed out that I avoid saying how I feel about things. It is true. I do. I am constantly being told by people how to feel about things and how to react to it. Every time I ever showed how I really felt, I have been told that I was wrong. Yesterday I was told that I was feeling sorry for myself and that I needed to stop it. Well, I wasn’t. What I was feeling was pure frustration at a lot of different things.
The point is, no one really knows how I feel except for myself and I am sick of people trying to tell me how to deal with my emotions! Until someone has been in the same exact situation as me and has lived in my skin, they have no right to tell me how to deal with things that happen.
Also since when is it a bad thing to cry? I am always being told by people to not cry. (Except for my grandmother, who always tells me the opposite.) This started when I was in the IFB with my mother dying. Isn’t crying supposed to be a good thing? Doesn’t it show that there is at least some feelings going on in there? Anytime when I start to cry, I am told that it is self pity. Seriously?!
Anyways, I was feeling frustrated about this so I thought I would write it down. I always feel better to get all the feelings out.