This past weekend I had to go back home for a couple days. My grandfather was having surgery, so I wanted to be with him. Since I didn’t want to impose on him, I stayed the night at my dad’s house. Of course that had to be a Sunday night. Which meant I had to go to their church. At first I was gonna protest, but then I thought it could be fun to see what is going on. So I went. Here are some things that either pissed me off or made me glad that I am no longer in the IFB churches or in any church.
My brother was the one that was preaching that night. For some reason the pastor has been having him and my other brother preach a lot. So, I thought it would be interesting. I would get to see first hand how brainwashed my family really was. Damn was he ever brainwashed. I mean like really bad. The first half of his sermon was about how wrong it was to feel good. Apparently the only time someone can feel good is when they are doing god’s work. It was sad. My brother said and I quote, “Whatever makes us feel good, is bad.” So are we supposed to live a horrible life????? I almost started to cry in the sermon. I wanted to tell him that you can have a damn fucking good life outside of church and religion. You don’t need things or other people to define your happiness. You define it.
Then there was the cruel remarks that were made against gay people. Seriously! We went out to eat, and my dad was pissed off that a gay man dared to serve him. He kept whispering things to me, but loud enough so that the man could hear if he wanted. It was sick. I was going to say something, but held my tongue because I knew that it would upset things with my grandfather and he didn’t need that. And because I really don’t think it will do me any good to waste my breath on a close minded person. And on top of it, I had to leave crying because my dad said he hated homosexuals. I know if he knew about me that opinion wouldn’t change one bit.
I couldn’t wait to get out of there. The negativity was so bad. Everything that my dad saw he had to comment on and most of it was not good. He called a few people fat slobs. He talked about how wrong people are for getting Obamacare. He and my stepmom complained about their marriage. Seriously, if you are not happy, why are you together? By the time I left on Monday afternoon, I was so sick. My stomach had sharp pains and I couldn’t breath. I have an autoimmune disease and these are the signs I get when get sick from being too upset. I get a flare up basically.
Last night I cried my self to sleep. While I was glad that I am out of there and I had the reassurance that I did the right thing by leaving, I felt as though I had lost my family. My family will never really love me. Not in the true sense of love. They want me to be a good Christian girl and that is not who I am. I left all that behind. It sucks that the one thing I gave up so much for has turned into the most painful thing in my life.
I was glad to get home. My real home. I told my boyfriend that I do not belong there anymore. That is not my real family. My real family are my grandparents, aunt, boyfriend, and true friends. My home is where I am now. I don’t regret anything. Being in that church Sunday night really woke me up. I realized how bad it was there, and that if I had stayed I would have eventually killed myself from all the negativity. Needless to say, I am very happy in my life.