My Secrets

In the IFB there are always secrets. Anyone who has been in it knows it. Fundamentalists are pros at keeping them. And as an ex fundie I am quite good at it too. I’m tired or it though. So here is somethings that I have never talked about. 

After leaving the cult, I was molested 2 other times. Once by an ex, and once in the workplace. Both of them did the same exact things that my childhood abuser had done when i was in the cult. I still have no clue how to handle it. I told my counselor finally that I have grown to hate certain parts of my body. That is just the truth. I told her it feels like in some ways it has become more of a curse then anything good.

A member in my family molested the man that molested me while in the cult. In fact according to my abuser, I was his revenge plan. I have a lot of feelings about this one. I am disgusted that my own family would do something like that to begin with. Then I am more so angry at the person who molested me. I was a kid and had no control over anything. But I feel sympathy towards my abuser because I know what it is like to be sexually abused. I have a lot of mixed emotions about this one. None of it makes sense. All I know is that it makes me feel worse about all of it. 

Don’t get this one wrong. I hate what my dad did to me. I don’t hate my dad, but i hate what he did and the way that he made me feel. He really put me through a lot as a kid. He was very abusive and controlling. I lived in fear of him most of my life. What changed was that I realized that he is only human as well. He however, was my only parent. I wish that he would have been a better one. To be honest I get jealous of people who can have a relationship with their dad that is good. Sad to say, I am not confident that I will ever know that. 

I’m a cutter. I really don’t know when i started this exact form of self harm. I know when I was in my early teens I would scratch myself until I bled. My reasoning behind it is a lot of guilt and self hate. 

Though I am recovering and making progress, it is a process. I am not there yet. Never have said that I was there. One day I hope to get to the point where these things don’t bother me as much and where I can move on. Note: I seeing a counselor. I am not just dealing with this on my own. I am getting help.

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