How Music Saved My Life

I would like to first mention that I am in no way a music expert.  So you won’t get any fancy wording from me on all the techniques and what not. This is just my personal experience with music and my introduction to the real world.

Rock music never really appealed to growing up. Why would it? I never heard it and on the rare occasion I did, I never understood the words. After all it was totally foreign to me.

After being kicked out of a fundamentalist college, I was forced to stay home most days and clean, cook, and “make myself useful.” Basically, I was a prisoner in my own home and a slave to my family. Their wishes became my commands. This made me question a lot. This also made me start to search for something more. Or wonder if there was anything more to life.

One day I was at a store and I saw a magazine, Good Housekeeping, I believe it was. They interviewed the Jonas Brothers and their mom. (Real badass, I know. haha but a start) They talked about how they loved their family and were able to live out their lives the way that they wanted. It appealed to me. So I read more about them. All done secretly, of course.

At the time the Jonas Brothers had a new CD that came out, Music from the 3DConcert Experience. I was curious so I bought it. The lady that sold it to me knew several people from the church I went to. I naturally begged her not to tell anyone that I bought it. She nodded and I buried the CD in the bottom of my purse.

Once home I put it in my portable CD player, which I had to keep hidden. I don’t know what I expected but at first I didn’t understand any of it. I gave it sometime and I started to understand some of the words. The song that stood out the most was, This is Me, sung by Demi Lovato and Joe Jonas. For the first time, since my mom’s death I could relate to something. Yea I know that they were teen songs but let’s be honest Lady Gaga songs would have been a little over my head at the time.

Soon I became a huge Jonas Brother fan. I kept all their CDs and any article on them hidden in my closet and under my bed. At night, after my family went to sleep, I would put in my earphones and listen to music all night. Most nights I wouldn’t get to bed until 4 am, just shortly before my dad would wake up for the day. I was tired but starting to feel happy for the first time in a long time. Weight that I had gained, slowly started to fade away. My clothes started to push boundaries- as far as you could push them when you were a pastor’s kid. I started wearing make up and doing my hair. Basically my life was getting better one step at a time.

Then it all threatened to come crashing down. My brother caught me with the music one day. He promised that he wouldn’t tell my dad if I promised to throw it all away. Crying, I threw away 100’s of dollars worth of music. But I kept one little magazine which I hid in my pillow.

Slowly as my brother grew confident I had forgotten my music, I started to bring it back in. This time Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez were brought into the mix. Party in the USA became my favorite song to dance to at night.

Then one day when I was at school, my dad decided to go into my room. When I came back, he was yelling and tossing things out my room. That night became hell on earth. My dad called me a whore and a slut, threw the CDs at me, then got rid of everything I owned. That also included my mom’s necklace she wore at her wedding, which she saved for me to wear.

I was given an option to stay or leave and never come back. I chose to leave. However my dad couldn’t let that happen without giving up his pastoring. So I was forced to stay. My life became hell. I wanted to die. Without the music, I once again grew unhappy.

Then I started writing the songs in notebooks. And through that I started to eventually write my own lyrics/ poetry. That then became one of my passions.

My dad eventually left that church and went to a much smaller one. There I was able to build up my music collection again. And since my dad was gone most days I could listen to it without the earphones. haha

The music made me realize that there was more to life then what I knew. It made me start to think on my own, which is a huge no, no for  the fundamentalists. As I started to think more clearly, I started to stand up for myself.

Trying to make my dad realize what damage the fundamentalist had done, I talked with him. He, however, did not listen. I made it very clear that if things didn’t change, I would leave him. He never took it seriously. Mainly because I always came around and did what he wanted me to. However this time was different. Three months after we moved, I left.

My taste in music has since matured a bit. Although I will always be impartial to the Jonas Brothers. Lady Gaga is one of my favorites along with Ke$ha and Demi Lovato.

This past weekend I was able to go to my first Jonas Brothers concert. It was such and amazing feeling to see them live and to look back and see how far I have come in the 5 years since I started listening to them. Their music is the reason I am here and the reason I started to live my life. So I cried yea. But they were happy tears. Because of music I am free.


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