Self Image Issues

So, tell me. How do you learn to love something when you know nothing about it? You can’t. Simple as that. For most of my life now I have been fighting a battle with myself. Mainly with my self image.

Let’s be totally honest, wearing long dresses and culottes never made me look pretty or desirable. They did not a single thing for me. I would look in the mirror and blah. The clothes were many sizes too big. They were out of style 50 years ago. And it was clothing not even my grandma would consider stylish. Like really. It was bad.

Also the things people said to me as a young person really affected my self image problems. I was told on more than one occasion that I was fat or obese. Odd enough, that started when I was 12 years old and 15 pounds underweight. I was also told that no one would ever marry a slob like me. They also said that I was extremely immodest and that God would punish me. My dad even told me one time that my dress was too low cut and I embarrassed him in front of the whole church. He told me that I should have known better than to dress like someone with no standards. The dress by the way came up to my collar bone. So, it wasn’t low cut at all.

When I was 20, I started to put on weight. Nothing much. Only 5 pounds to begin with. I was underweight so it was needed. However, I began to notice a pattern. Whenever something went all wrong, or people said things, or I felt low- I would eat. And not just a bowl of ice cream. I would go to my room and eat until I was sick. Then I would feel guilty and ashamed and disgusting, but before too long I couldn’t stop it. I had gained a lot of weight and I was at 200 pounds.

Being overweight in the IFB church I came from is a huge no, no. Unless if you are the pastor then that is ok. I failed PE 3 years due to this. I was told just about everyday how fat I was. Even those closest to me would talk about how I was going to become a hippo. Soon that is how I felt. Like a hippo. I hated myself and my body. I went on diets, all of which stressed me out and that made me eat more. I started to think of ways to kill myself and many nights I prayed to God to kill me. It was the lowest point in my life.

What started the turn around for me was music. I had a stash of pop rock that I would listen to. And it would take my mind off of eating. Every night I would look forward to taking out the music and playing it with my earphones on. The music became my comfort and food took a back burner.

I am still not where I would like to be. Every once and awhile I get upset and disgusted with myself. But I am not gonna give up. I am going to fight to take back what is mine.


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